Septimana

My weak, creaking voice can only sing:

“Je ne dois pas plus voir ce que j'aime,

Je ne veux plus souffrir le jour.”

As tears flow endlessly down my face.

This was my picture – Foolish romantic!

But the truth is different,

And far more surprising.

Surprised to find sorrow,

Seelenschmerz so deep

That I could never have imagined it

Darkness, weeping, dread – no!

It is unwise to dwell on the horrors of the past,

But it is enough to say

I have seen immense depths,

And now truly understand things

I thought I understood before.

Surprised to find joy.

I have done what I thought unthinkable.

Where I thought music would be gone,

I have sung.

Where I thought pleasure would be gone,

I have laughed and enjoyed life.

Where I thought my faith would depart,

I have felt the hand

Of the Almighty upholding me,

And heard His sweet voice

Whispering comfort to my heart.

Surprised to find change,

Everything is tinged with a sort of dull gray throb.

My deceiver-heart traps me so easily into overconfidence –

“I’m just fine.” –

Merely to undo me

At the sight of a sunset, a pumpkin, a cat.

Or the sound of a sad song.

That deceiver then makes me forget the reason,

And wish only to weep in her arms to comfort my sorrow.

But that can never again be.

Never!

Never is such a harsh word,

Filled with finality and tragedy.

But a word I must slowly learn to accept,

Since never again will I bask in her love,

See her eyes shining at me, feel her hand in mine,

Hear her voice gently whispering words of affection.

Never, never, never, never.

I keep saying the words, but they don’t get easier,

They don’t get more understandable.

Surprised by sameness,

That everything goes on as before.

Don’t they know that the world has ended?

But it hasn’t ended, and I still like things I liked before:

Clouds, cold-crisp winds,

Music, talking with friends, reading.

I had thought these delights would fail me,

And pleasure would be gone,

But life keeps going on.

I am full of questions and few answers.

Will I be damaged forever?

Will I be able to love again, or will I be forever destined

To harm and distrust?

How can Fall still enchant my heart?

Time reveals much, and some things I will perhaps never know,

But I have known love,

And it is enough.

And I have learned that sadness and happiness can be wrapped together,

Like ice and fire united, neither burning nor extinguishing the other.

And I have learned that while love may fade, Love never will.