My weak, creaking voice can only sing:
“Je ne dois pas plus voir ce que
j'aime,
Je ne veux plus souffrir le jour.”
As
tears flow endlessly down my face.
This
was my picture – Foolish romantic!
But
the truth is different,
And
far more surprising.
Surprised
to find sorrow,
Seelenschmerz so deep
That
I could never have imagined it
Darkness,
weeping, dread – no!
It
is unwise to dwell on the horrors of the past,
But
it is enough to say
I
have seen immense depths,
And
now truly understand things
I
thought I understood before.
Surprised
to find joy.
I
have done what I thought unthinkable.
Where
I thought music would be gone,
I
have sung.
Where
I thought pleasure would be gone,
I
have laughed and enjoyed life.
Where
I thought my faith would depart,
I
have felt the hand
Of
the Almighty upholding me,
And
heard His sweet voice
Whispering
comfort to my heart.
Surprised
to find change,
Everything
is tinged with a sort of dull gray throb.
My
deceiver-heart traps me so easily into overconfidence –
“I’m
just fine.” –
Merely
to undo me
At
the sight of a sunset, a pumpkin, a cat.
Or
the sound of a sad song.
That
deceiver then makes me forget the reason,
And
wish only to weep in her arms to comfort my sorrow.
But
that can never again be.
Never!
Never
is such a harsh word,
Filled
with finality and tragedy.
But
a word I must slowly learn to accept,
Since
never again will I bask in her love,
See
her eyes shining at me, feel her hand in mine,
Hear
her voice gently whispering words of affection.
Never,
never, never, never.
I
keep saying the words, but they don’t get easier,
They
don’t get more understandable.
Surprised
by sameness,
That
everything goes on as before.
Don’t
they know that the world has ended?
But
it hasn’t ended, and I still like things I liked before:
Clouds,
cold-crisp winds,
Music,
talking with friends, reading.
I
had thought these delights would fail me,
And
pleasure would be gone,
But
life keeps going on.
I
am full of questions and few answers.
Will
I be damaged forever?
Will
I be able to love again, or will I be forever destined
To
harm and distrust?
How
can Fall still enchant my heart?
Time
reveals much, and some things I will perhaps never know,
But
I have known love,
And
it is enough.
And
I have learned that sadness and happiness can be wrapped together,
Like
ice and fire united, neither burning nor extinguishing the other.
And
I have learned that while love may fade, Love never will.
